


Owen's Birthday.

by jhsdhalr



Category: Torchwood
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-04
Updated: 2012-12-04
Packaged: 2017-11-20 06:51:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/582506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jhsdhalr/pseuds/jhsdhalr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I wrote this at the same time as "Artanium Beer".  Jack and the team celebrate Owen's birthday by going to the pub, with somewhat predictable results. It's sort of cracky of course.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Owen's Birthday.

''I'm a leg man'' said Owen ''definitely.''

''I quite like legs myself'' said Jack ''where would we be without legs?''

''Legless'' said Ianto, grinning.

They were celebrating Owen's birthday. At least, that's what they SAID they were going to do when Gwen and Tosh asked them about the evening. For once in his life Owen decided he didn't want to spend his birthday aimlessly and often uselessly chasing after some female or other. He decided he would just get drunk. Thoroughly. Completely. Naturally, he had to have some friends to get drunk with. That was where the first problem arrived. Owen, despite his constant talk of friends and how popular he was with everybody, didn't actually have any friends. He had a great many acquaintances, but no friends. That was why Jack and Ianto were sitting with Owen in the Green Bear Pub, drinking together. Owen had gotten desperate.

Conversation had at first been sporadic. However, a number of drinks later, things were becoming more relaxed. Jack especially, was growing more relaxed by the moment. He was leaning back with his legs apart, grinning at nothing and starting to talk rubbish. When Jack drank he always talked rubbish. It was a certainty. The more drink that went in the less sense that came out.

''If the human race didn't have legs'' Jack continued, beaming a huge smile at both Ianto and Owen ''they'd have a terrible time walking.'' He leaned even further back in his chair and laughed.

''Jack'' said Ianto, calmly ''you're drunk.''

''No'' said Jack ''I never get drunk. I can drink both you and Owen under a chair easily.''

''Under a table'' corrected Owen instantly.

''That too'' said Jack.

''No'' Owen sighed ''it's drink someone under a table. You never drink someone under a chair.''

''I can do both'' Jack insisted.

Owen groaned. Ianto just laughed. Jack laughed too, although he hadn't really any idea why Ianto was laughing. Ianto got up and said he would get in another round. Owen said get something different as he wasn't getting anywhere near feeling drunk yet. Jack insisted that he wasn't feeling drunk yet either so Ianto got three double whiskies. This proved to be a really SERIOUS mistake because a moment after drinking his whiskey Jack stood up, clapped his hands to attract the attention of the bars other customers, and announced that he was going to recite a poem. Most people who visit bars definitely do not go to them in the hope of hearing poetry. Jack however, was oblivious to everything. He climbed, with difficulty, onto a table and began to recite something. It wasn't in English. At least, not in a form of English anyone there could understand. It sounded like complete gibberish. It was actually a long and sober 51st century tome entitled ''Miss Eversley's romance.'' It was terribly sad and ended where the Miss Eversley of the title killed herself by drinking poison and jumping off a cliff when the poison didn't kill her. Unfortunately, no-one in the bar understood this mournful fact. Attempts to make Jack get down from the table were a striking failure, and so were attempts to silence him. He was determined to reach the end of the poem where Miss Eversley killed herself no matter how many people objected.

In the end there was almost a riot in the bar as a crowd of outraged customers literally dragged Jack bodily from the table and threw him out of the bar. Ianto and Owen had no choice but to follow him. It had earlier been pouring with rain, the street was very wet and there were puddles everywhere. Jack was sitting in a particularly large puddle when Ianto and Owen found him. He looked quite cheerful and he was still reciting his endless, boring, incomprehensible poem.

''Get up, Jack'' said Ianto firmly ''we'll go to an off license.''

''I haven't finished yet'' Jack protested.

''Yes you have'' Owen insisted, grabbing Jack's arm and trying to pull him to his feet. With Ianto's help, he succeed. Jack, once upright, resumed his poem. He followed Ianto and Owen along the street though, reciting all the way. They made their way to the nearest off license and bought a mixed collection of alcoholic drinks and went to Owen's apartment. Once there they settled on the sofa and opened several bottles. Jack insisted on finishing his poem before he had another drink, but this didn't hinder Ianto and Owen in their pursuit of oblivion. Ianto in particular was thoroughly bored by being in Owen's company, especially since under normal circumstances they wouldn't have even spoken to each other once once they finished work.

Ianto had no problem with being with Jack since he had concealed, with great success he thought, a violent attraction for the Captain for some time. He had no idea how Jack felt about him and since Jack was now drunk he figured he wasn't going to find out tonite anyhow. It was another half hour before Jack actually came to the end of his poem and grabbed a drink, finishing it rapidly and immediately snatching another.

''You'll get sick, Jack'' Ianto sighed, feeling thoroughly discouraged by everything.

''Yeh" said Owen ''don't you dare be sick on my furniture----or on my floors either.''

''I NEVER sick on furniture'' said Jack ''I mean--I'm never sick when I'm on it--ever. I'm immortal---I don't get sick anyhow.''

''Being immortal doesn't stop you getting drunk'' snapped Owen ''since you're drunk now.''

''I AM NOT DRUNK'' Jack shouted ''I BET I CAN WALK A LINE-GO ON- FIND A LINE AND LET ME WALK IT.'' He stood up, swayed and sat down again right away.

''See'' said Owen, looking smug ''you ARE drunk.''

Jack stood up again with difficulty. "No'' he said ''I am NOT drunk. It's your apartment. It's not flat--it's sideways.''

''Don't be ridiculous'' Owen grumbled ''you're drunk. I wanted to get drunk and I'm still sober and you're drunk. It's maddening. Sometimes I think you must be the most maddening person on earth.''

''I have to sit down'' Jack groaned ''I don't like the way your walls move, Owen. I bet you have subtident--subtidence--tisubsense--sub--sub--subside---subsident--sence. That anyhow. I bet you have it--whatever it is.''

Owen stood up as well. He was starting to look angry. "I don't have subtidence'' he snapped ''if I had it the whole block would have it-- and I haven't got it.'' He swayed alarmingly. '' SHIT!'' he shouted ''you're right--it is moving!'' He grabbed hold of the most maddening person on earth and Jack grabbed hold of him and they stood there together, swaying and groaning.

Ianto looked at them from the safety of the sofa and laughed. ''I think I'm the only sober person here'' he cackled.

''I AM NOT DRUNK!'' shouted Jack ''I BET I CAN EVEN SAY A TONGUE TWIDDLER!''

''It's not a tongue twiddler'' said Owen ''it's a tongue twitler---no--- that's not right----it's a tongue--- a tongue----twist----twist---twistler.''

''That don't sound right'' mumbled Jack ''I mean--it dun't sound right.'' He sat down on the nearest chair with a thump and Owen sat down on his knees.

''You have a lump in your lap'' said Owen ''what is it?''

''Is my gun'' said Jack and started to laugh.

''It's moving'' Owen complained.

''Oh that'' Jack laughed ''that's my own special gun.''

''You don't have a special gun'' Owen moaned ''and if you do--- I want it.''

''You can 'ave it'' Jack offered generously ''an' Ianto can too cause I've wanted to give it to him for ages an' ages an' ages.''

''I don't want anything he's getting'' said Owen and he got up off Jack's knees with difficulty.

Jack beamed a wide and drunken smile in Ianto's direction. ''Come an' sit down Yan'' he said ''I've got a little somethin'--no--- is a big somethin'---for you right 'ere---come an' get it.''

''I don't think I want it at the moment'' Ianto replied as calmly as he could ''not unless Owen goes away.''

Owen swayed alarmingly as he attempted to pour a beer down his throat, missed and poured it over his chest instead. ''I'm all wet'' he complained ''I'm going to have a bath-- a long and hot bath and I'm taking my drink with me and you two can just disapp--- -disappear somewhere.''

''Oh great'' Jack exclaimed ''now you can come over 'ere and sit on me Yan.''

''You're drunk, Jack'' Ianto pointed out.

''I AM AS SOBER AS A HORSE" Jack announced.

''I am as sober as a judge'' Ianto intoned solemnly.

''You're sober too'' Jack said happily ''so we can fuck then.''

''You probably couldn't'' said Ianto, standing up slowly and finding to his dismay that he actually wasn't quite as sober as he thought ''let's escape while we can. If I spend another moment with Owen I think I'll go mad.''

Once the air outside hit Jack he almost fell down and only Ianto, who wasn't very steady himself, kept him upright. Together they lurched along the street until they rounded a corner and bumped straight into two Policemen. This was unfortunate. It was also unfortunate that Jack had brought a bottle of whiskey with him and was drinking from it at frequent intervals. Jack was very happy to see the Policemen. They were not alas, similarly happy to see him.

Jack let go of Ianto and wrapped both of his arms around the Policemen. ''I LOVE the Police'' he cried out, kissing the nearest man on the cheek ''I've loved them for YEARS and YEARS!''

Ianto attempted to separate the Policemen from Jack. ''Leave them alone Jack'' he instructed hopelessly ''please.''

''Have you been drinking, Sir?'' the kissed Policeman demanded, with a striking lack of intelligence.

''Is--it's Owen's birthday'' Jack explained ''we're celer--celeratin'--'cept now he's in the bath---I like baths---do you?--Baths are great--naked--inabath---fun--int it?''

''You aren't driving are you sir?'' asked the second Policeman.

''No, we're just going home on foot'' Ianto replied over the sound of Jack saying ''I often drive---I LOVE to drive---I----I-- .''

''In that case'' said the kissed Policeman seriously ''go straight there or we'll have to arrest you for being drunk and disorderly.''

''I may be a littler---a litterer--a ittle bit drunk'' Jack said, leaning heavily against Ianto, ''but I'm not sidorderly--I'm not dis---dis--disorerly---I'm never ever sidorterly.''

''I'll see he goes straight home'' said Ianto, staying upright with difficulty, as Jack was now using him as a prop.

''See you do'' said the kissed Policeman seriously.

Ianto made a great effort and managed to half drag and half carry Jack back to The Hub. Jack kept up a continuous stream of conversation throughout the journey. "Isa long long way--- int it---isa long way---where we goin' anyhow, Ianto---where we goin'----I thought we was with Owen---where's e' gone----I love the podees---I mean the polees---I love the unisorm---is neat----I like a unisorm-----I wan' you in a unisorm, Yan----I wanna fuck you in a unisorm----you in it an me in it an me in you----or you in me----I don' mine----oh look there's ---there's---that mill thing---I like that-----is great----oh the sidewall is unleaven---you can' wall righ' Yan---fuck----my fee' are all crooked---an my 'ead---did you like my pome, Yan----I mem--I memorsized it---is long long pome an I messersized it----I love siskey---er---whisker---er whiskes----'ave a drink Yan---no----I drop it----.''

Ianto was greatly relieved when they finally arrived at the Hub but then he had to get Jack down to his quarters. This took a considerable amount of strength and dexterity. Finally they were down there and Jack collapsed onto his bed moaning and holding his head.

''I'll make some coffee'' Ianto said ''just stay there, Jack.''

''I need to pee'' Jack moaned and he staggered to his feet and tottered toward the bathroom, groaning all the way.

Ianto went to make the coffee and when he returned, carrying very carefully two mugs, he discovered that Jack was taking a shower---fully clothed. ''JACK!" he shouted ''YOUR CLOTHES!''

''I WAS A BIT DRUNK'' Jack shouted from the shower cubicle ''I'M SOBERING UP!''

Ianto sighed and went back to Jack's bed. He sat down on it and sipped his coffee carefully. After a few moments, Jack, now dressed in a towel, and obviously nothing else, joined him.

''My clothes are all wet'' he complained ''I left them on the bathroom floor--they're soaked.''

''You're supposed to take everything off when you have a shower'' said Ianto.

''MY HEAD IS KILLING ME!" Jack shouted.

''You were drunk'' Ianto explained ''and don't shout.''

''I can't even remember how we got here'' said Jack ''I thought we were celebrating Owen's birthday.''

''He went to have a bath and we left'' said Ianto ''you were drunk.''

''I WAS NOT DRUNK!'' shouted Jack, holding his head in both hands in case it fell off ''I WAS JUST-----JUST A LITTLE CHEERFUL!''

''YOU WERE DRUNK!'' yelled Ianto.

Jack sat down with a thump next to Ianto and as he did so his towel fell open revealing---well everything. Jack looked down at himself and Ianto looked too. ''Very nice'' said Ianto, giving Jack's leg what was intended to be a quick pat but which turned out to be more like a rub. Jack gave a grunt which could have meant anything and Ianto rubbed a bit more, moving his hand up inside Jack's thigh as he did so. Jack helpfully opened his legs wider and Ianto reached Jack's balls and proceeded to rub them too. Jack's cock started to really appreciate the activities. Jack sighed and suddenly flopped sideways over the bed. Ianto overbalanced and fell on top of him. Jack wrapped his arms around Ianto and kissed him firmly. Ianto kissed Jack in return.

''You taste of whisky'' said Ianto, after a moment.

''You taste of beer'' said Jack ''I like beer.''

"I'm fond of whisky too'' said Ianto.

They kissed again and Jack lifted his legs up onto the bed with some difficulty. Ianto settled down more comfortably on top of Jack and they kissed a bit more. Jack opened his legs wider still and Ianto sat up with his own legs bent under him. He looked down at Jack and his cock gave a jump and then jumped again. Jack grinned and lifted his legs up, bending his knees. ''Lube?'' Ianto said. Jack waved his hand toward a cabinet in the corner of the room. Ianto got up and a few moments later, after he had done a very quick striptease, the room was filled with the sounds of skin on skin and bodies connecting and voices grunting and gasping in harmony.

Ten minutes later Ianto was in the shower and Jack was asleep. Ianto had heard him say more than once that he never slept and had come to the conclusion some time ago that this had started as a chat up line. However, two minutes after he had come Jack was fast asleep and snoring loudly as well, so Ianto had gone to have a shower. Jack was still all sticky and messy. It didn't seem to bother him. He was even sleeping in the wet spot. That didn't seem to bother him either. It occurred to Ianto that it might be the after affects of the drink. After his shower Ianto discovered that Jack was still asleep and still snoring, so he left the Hub and went home.

The following morning Ianto arrived at the Hub before everyone else {except Jack of course}. He found Jack fully clothed in his office, sitting at his desk, apparently working. Ianto looked around the door and Jack looked up and waved to him.

''Coffee?'' Ianto asked.

''I got fucked last night'' said Jack.

''Er-yes'' said Ianto.

''I woke up with a hangover'' Jack complained ''and the bed was a mess and so was I.''

''Really?'' said Ianto, trying to sound surprized without much success.

''You fucked me'' Jack sighed ''when I was---- a bit----not quite myself.''

''Yes'' Ianto decided to be honest ''I did. You were drunk and I was a little bit drunk. I enjoyed it. I thought you did too. It was amazing we could actually do it.''

''What was amazing about that?'' asked Jack.

''Drink'' said Ianto ''stops you---er---being any good.''

''Does it?'' Jack queried.

''Its supposed to'' Ianto explained.

''I can't remember some of the evening'' Jack groaned.

''I can remember all of it'' Ianto said.

They stared at each other for a moment. Then Jack got up, went over to Ianto, put his arms around him and kissed him. ''We must do it again'' he said as he peppered Ianto's face with little kisses and nibbles ''as soon as we can. I've wanted to do it for ages but I didn't think you were interested.''

''I didn't think you were interested'' said Ianto.

''We should have gotten drunk together before'' Jack laughed "we're obviously both idiots when we're sober.''

''Speak for yourself'' Ianto added seriously ''I knew exactly what I was doing all the time.''

''Poor Owen'' Jack chuckled ''I remember it was his birthday.''

''Oh bugger Owen'' snapped Ianto, kissing Jack firmly and possessively.

''I don't think so'' said Jack.

 

THE END


End file.
